Part 1- 7/08/24
7/8/24-Part 1
I feel horrible. I took my new headache shot Saturday night after we got home and it has me all messed up. My head hurts, my body feels like it's vibrating and my feet are super hot. I haven’t gotten anything done. I slept for a couple hours today on and off. I did the dishes, took some trash out, put water in the fountain outside, gave all the dogs water and gave the dogs ear treatment. That’s it. I feel like I can’t see and I can’t concentrate. And that makes me super frustrated. My head feels blurry.
Nick made delicious steak and chicken kabobs on the grill. I offered to help but I’m pretty sure if I helped I wouldn’t have even earned a participation trophy. Turns out that he didn’t need my help. Kind of a bitter pill to swallow. I think I’m so used to being the chef that I forget others can use the kitchen. I always want to help others but not everyone needs my help. That’s my bitter pill.
Shan, you can’t do everything/fix everything. No matter how bad you want to. This is a reminder to myself. BITCH SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.
Sadly, I doubt I will listen even to myself. I’m too hardheaded.
Have you ever had an argument with yourself where you tell you what not to do? I do that almost daily. Normally, it’s “Shanleigh shut the fuck up, do NOT say what you are thinking, itt’s not going to go well”. Then I go balls to the wall and say everything, more than everything. Like my dad said I can’t shut the fuck up. I can talk all day and not say a thing. Or I can say way too much. I’ve never been able to figure out the balance between the two. I am not ashamed to admit the things I am bad at or where I lack as a person. I am terrible at talking, if I start then I won’t stop, but good luck at getting me started.
I’ll try to put it off as long as I can. I don’t like facing the hard things in life. I guess I’ve never figured out how to do so. I’m not trying to use that as an excuse. Just information that will help you get to know me better.
I think I might have said this before, but just in case I didn’t. Music is my major release. I use music to say what I sometimes feel like I cannot. Music grounds me. It always has. I’ll end today with the full lyrics from a song that has been resonating with me.
Well, I remember what you told me
Said drinking was unholy
So Lord, can you point me to the creek?
And I still keep it with me
Tucked under all the memories
Your voice echoing throughout those trees
And through unfavored weather
And holes in the leather
These boots still covered in tar
Well, I'm still praying to the heavens
And hoping for them seven's
But hope only gets a man so far
When
This game of life plays heavy on my heart
And love is tough, but loneliness is twice as hard
And I'll carry that 'bout everywhere I go
They say pressure makes diamonds
How the hell am I still coal?
Now I've seen Heaven without dyin'
Met the devil without tryin'
And they both seem to want to talk to me
But I'm all out of luck now
And my dreams aren't worth a buck
How it's tough tryin' to land on my feet
When this game of life plays heavy on my heart
And love is tough, but loneliness is twice as hard
And I'll carry that 'bout everywhere I go
They say pressure makes diamonds
How the hell am I still coal?
And every day is gettin' colder, since that day in October
When you told me it was over, so I left
'Cause if you need me, well, I told ya
I'm on the better side of sober
Tryin' to find a four-leaf clover
To get me out of this mess
This game of life plays heavy on my heart
And love is tough, but loneliness is twice as hard
And I'll carry that 'bout everywhere I go
And they say pressure makes diamonds
How the hell?
This game of life plays heavy on my heart
And love is tough, but loneliness is twice as hard
And I'll carry that 'bout everywhere I go
And they say pressure makes diamonds
How the hell am I still coal?